Unfinished

Unfinished. Not done. Not yet over. 

I have come to realize that I can be, and am, judgmental. Holier than thou. The great know-it-all. All it took was one person to point that out to me. Someone who I have the greatest respect and admiration for. A person who has recently faced personal tragedy in his life. And I had the absolute audacity to think that I could offer insight to what or how he is feeling.

All based on a simple comment that there was (my words) some unfinished business that needed doing. Now, I am also of the realization that I, too, have unfinished business. Business that can actually be achieved, if not resolved.

It involves a few people, a few less than from years back due to the wonders of death. Still, all of the people who are gathered up in this conspiracy of denial and blame shifting are known to me. I have all their names. I know all of their past actions, their in-actions and their self-preserving subterfuge.

A simple and effective means of possible closure is to just put names out there and associate each and every one with an event or events. I could also list the numerable consequences, but the far & away easiest is to just say Suicide.

So. Name names. Put an act to each and every name. Who. What. Be as descriptive as those very acts were described to me. I would need to ensure that each is held accountable for their parts in the whole sordid mess, be the means of their destruction. Or, if anything, be the source of their discomfiture and invitation to litigation.

All of that, just because I am presumptuous. A self-centered, intellectual, smart ass. And all I needed to be reminded of my fallibility was to be told of my judging way. For that, I am grateful. I am also grateful for being reminded of my own unfinished business. Something that has been avoided for too long now. Something that needs remedying. And it shall be done. Not with malice, but with intent.

Keep The Faith*

It's Possible

I went to my Thursday meeting tonight. My usual service... opening the facility, getting the literature out, setting up the coffee and readying the tables & chairs. Same old, same old for the past few months.

However, last week 4 (Four!) other members showed up! And tonight's meeting had 6 (SIX!). And that doesn't include yours truly. After several weeks of maybe one other person making an appearance -- which made for some amazing Recovery talk! -- I think I was feeling, what? Resentful?? about showing up and hoping for a turnout greater than two.

Well, last week, I was feeling quite giddy at the meeting. Like a kid in a candy store with dad's platinum credit card! I repeated myself ad nauseum about my Gratitude for those who showed up. I Was Truly Grateful!!

When I got home last week, I felt this tug, a twinge, in my gut. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't angry. I wasn't lonely. I was tired, so I thought to look at that as the cause for my... hehe... dis-ease.

It turned out, after rummaging thru my ever-stocked larder of emotions, I was actually feeling disappointed that so many people had made an appearance.

A couple of months ago, I had a thought that if members don't show up and it comes around to the end of June (which would be the group's 2 year anniversary), I was thinking of doing the unthinkable and shutting the meeting down.

Yup, that "twinge" in my gut was the kernel of a resentment. Today's JFT mediation reading was about daily inventory. I realized that was precisely what I did one week ago. An inventory. And it took me a whole week, plus getting the meeting ready, plus having seven members in attendance (me too!) and feeling giddy all over again to realize that I am still Living my recovery instead of just Working it!

My, my. It's Possible!!

Keep The Faith*

Ha

Just that... Ha. Guess what?! Ayup, Peripheral neuropathy (PN) pains and an over-active hamster wheel. So I came here to whine. When I sat down, it was a kind of déjà vu. I thought, "Hm. I've been here before." I decided to not repeat myself and went on to read many many entries I've made here in this blog of mine.

I went as far back as the end of February, but stopped well short of my ARGH entries. Didn't need that kinda stimulation! As it is, I actually enjoyed reading all that crazy wonderful stuff I wrote. Yep, I repeated myself ad nauseum about my brain going a mile a minute and the screaming insanity of my PN.

I actually could have done a good rant on my essential tremors, since they have been exploding in my face recently. And my hands. And my arms. Yadda yadda.

Right! Shut up Robb. Even tho' my physical bs is doing wondrous push-ups and thriving, I got just a wee bit o' peace by reading and wasting an acceptable 2+ hours here. I got to my HG last night. Heard some great words... and some terribly painful ones. Went out for fellowship afterwards. Got a ride home in -36degC (windchill) weather.

So I gots the cramps & pains in my shins and feet. So my brain wanted to go over and over and over and over and... yeah, shit that happened decades and longer ago. So what?

Life, even with the frigid temps and wind out there, is kinda sorta good!  I am alive! I had an amazing surprise 60th birthday party a week ago! I still have my family and more friends than I deserve! 😉 Yay ME!!!

Keep The Faith*