I chaired my final meeting at my HG tonight for the month. I decided to volunteer as chair for October because I didn't want to, because it scared the crap out of me to even think of doing so. So, I did. And made it thru...
I also decided to volunteer for the position of treasurer for the group at tonight's GC meeting. Well, no, I had the decision finalized for me by being nominated. Again, fear (and my gawd-awful tremors!) kept telling me NOT to do it. So, I did. And got group support for it...
A Gift? At my HG, we have a thing where members put their names into a basket if they would like to share. As the meeting went on, folks came to scribble their name down. A hand came over my shoulder as I sat there and put this piece of paper in front of me:
My Gift. Recovery has given me the Gift of Life, the Love of my Family and the respect & gratitude (among many other things) from those who choose to live Recovery along with me. That is A Gift.
Keep The Faith*
A very, very strange day today. Well, yesterday, but, whatever. To say confusion is a bit of an understatement when I think back on it. And thinking back is the precise reason I sit here on my computer 01:40 in the morning, because my mind refuses to stop thinking back.
Blah. My brain was pure mush most of the day. My blood sugars were running rampant, up and down. I wasn't too sure what day or date it was. I wasn't even sure if I was actually awake, or in a dream.
That is the main thing about my confusion, I think. I had a dream and it was strange. I can't remember if the dream occurred the night before or during a two hour nap I took in the afternoon. Confusion.
The dream. I had gone to a store that was closing down, something like a WalMart or a Target store (perhaps influenced by the upcoming closure of Sears Canada), but the store itself was very small. I looked around a bit, saw nothing of interest and left because I had to get home.
I went out into the parking lot. Rounding a big moving truck, I saw that my own ride was missing. A small pick-up truck, like a Ford Ranger, that wasn't even mine. I looked around, and again, and didn't see it anywhere. I was upset, but not as bad as I would have thought.
It was a nice day and I figured I'd be OK. I had to get back home, didn't know how I was going to do that, but really didn't care. I was in some city in eastern NY, thus a long way from home. And then, I realized that this was only a dream. All I needed to do was wake up!
But, I didn't know how. I also realized that for a dream, this one was pretty fucking vivid. Looking down at my shoes (scuffed white sneakers with the laces permanently knotted, as I like them), I could see the dirt and cracks in the pavement. All around me, everything stood out in glorious detail. The leaves on the tree beside me were a beautiful green. The signs on the strip mall were all very detailed, with mostly understandable words, familiar and then again, not. I stood and watched (and heard!) the cars as they drove by. The sky was a brilliant blue with absolutely no clouds.
"What do I do??", I thought. I knew this was a dream, but the clarity and realism of it all was very odd. Just wake up, came the next thought. But I didn't know how. Plus,the substance, the exactness of everything around me was quite comforting and I really didn't want to end this dream. Which made me think, "What if this isn't a dream?!" and I began to worry a bit.
How will I get home? What will I tell the person who owned the truck? -- I have no idea who the owner was -- What about my diabetes? Food? Money? I'm in a different country, for fuck's sake! So, I decided to head towards the downtown. Well, at least, I thought that was the way. Didn't care. I started walking up the street that had a slight incline to it.
Suddenly, the entire quality of the dream shifted. I was still on the street, walking uphill, but I was suddenly pulling a small cart that had oddball strips of sod on it. The clarity and details shifted to where nothing around me truly registered. It seemed a bit darker. My focus was pulling this cart up the street and not having it lose the load of sod.
Naturally, the cart went off the sidewalk and the sod fell off. As I was trying to get it neatly stacked back onto the cart a couple of guys came along to offer helpful suggestions. They didn't physically help, which was the one thing I really needed.
After a couple of minutes of "Try this..." and "Try that...", I stood up and looked at these fellows. I said, "This is stupid!!", and woke up.
Again, I don't remember when this dream occurred, at night or in the afternoon. All I know, my day was filled with uncertainties, confusion and not actually knowing if I was in a dream or fully awake. I've never experienced a day like that before. I've had a couple of (not very many!) dreams with similar precision and with the knowledge that that they actually were dreams.
But, today rattled me. Am I going off the proverbial deep end? Nuts? Goo-goo? Gah-gah? Bonkers? I do not know. What I DO know is that I want to go to sleep! And by gosh, I Do Not Want To DREAM!!
Keep The Faith*
Truly. I spoke at my home group last month (And WOW Again!). At that time I was inspired. By what I said, by what I felt and by what folks said to me afterward. Tonight, again at my home group, I heard another speaker who touched off a fire in me.
I've known this member for a long time. I've heard the ESH before. Yet... Still! I was inspired!! By the words, by the honesty behind them, by the things I hadn't known before. Sometimes, I think that I've heard it all before. And then, like tonight, I am given that wonderful gift I can only find in active recovery.
Inspiration.
Gratitude.
Desire.
Hope.
This is why I keep coming back. So I can be shown HOW this recovery process works and WHY it can also work for me. After all my time in this journey of recovery, there is always something more for me to learn. If, and ONLY if, I am willing to hear the message so freely and openly offered to me by the friends I have and other members in my Fellowship.
In case you are wondering about what I am prattling on about, just scroll to the top of this page and click on Robb's Place. That will save me some time going thru an extensive this about that and the other thing. Recovery Can Work! But only if I work it!!
Keep The Faith*
I've been fighting against
an FB ad that has been popping up on my feed for a while now. It deals
with an HD TV antenna. The 1st was called "TV Scout", the 2nd
"TV Fox", & the 3rd "ClearView HDTV". All are basically
the same antenna. AND, all the lead in ad pages are the same, just different
product names.
I did a video review of the
TVScout a while back (https://youtu.be/d_c9eH0GgjI) and just posted a 2nd one yesterday (https://youtu.be/zDo-y7Nprqs).
What truly irks me about
the ads is the following claim:
"But how can you watch
for free? The secret to that is a law that no cable company wants you to know
about. It states that every cable company has to provide additionally to the
normal signal an over-the-air signal. So in order to not break the law the
cable companies distribute this signal but in a low frequency- so almost no
antennas were able to pick it up reliably. Until now - with TvFox you are able
to access all your channels in crystal clear 1080 HD in the city and country
side."
Such utter & complete
BS!! Cable companies have no control of "over the air" (OTA)
broadcast signals. This antenna will only get you local channels that are
broadcast OTA. IF you are lucky.
As such, when these ads
appear in my timeline (not as a side ad), I saturate the comments with links to
my video review. If only to save folks the frustration of buying these floppy
pieces of plastic. Well, kinda sorta. I also enjoy the notoriety of being
negative and getting to see my gorgeous face on YouTube. Stay tuned! Greybeard will be coming soon to a YT channel near you!
Keep The Faith*
Sort of. Not really new, but absent for quite some time. That recurring thing of mine, the Pain. But, now it is affecting me thru cramping. In both my lower legs and feet. I haven't had cramping since... I can't remember. 6 or 7 months, at least
Bugger of it all is that I am just so fucking tired right now. I had a long service stint today. I was up very late last night due to - u guessed it!! - neuropathy pain AND that hamster wheel mind of mine. I mean, Dang!
Tired. In bed and comfortable. Ready to... and my leg starts to twitch. Then the other one. Then both feet. And then... And Then... Boom! I get a massive cramp in my right leg that rocketed me out of bed and down to my knees because I couldn't stand up. FAHK!!!
I finally got to walk it off, took two 400 mg ibuprofen (double my usual dose for this shit) and now I sit typing away, aware of the tingle in both my ankles. That means my issue has not gone and if I go back to bed right now, well, not a good idea.
I wish there was some indicator of when this sort of thing is going to occur. Something like high blood sugar (or low), too much "exercise" (read: walking), too little exercise, etc etc etc. I had major issues most of the day today with my low BP, dizziness and feeling light-headed, especially after standing up from a bend. But, I have recorded everything I could think of during the days when this has happened and discovered no common factors anywhere.
I was talking to someone today who knows my pain issues and it was "suggested" that I maybe kinda sorta look into some type of marijuana derivative to help with this. With the endless talk of CBD medication on an FB page for sufferers of peripheral neuropathy, leaving out the blah blah about opiods and opiates and fentanyl and fucking drugs drugs drugs, well, I'm pissed at taking ibuprofen, so...
Yadda. Well, my legs and feet are no longer a-tingle. I don't know if that's because I'm sitting and some blood flow is getting to those lower extremities or simply because I'm distracted by thinking and typing. Ah dunno. Ah jus dunno. To bed. To sleep. Perchance to.......
Keep The Faith*
================
Update (03:10 hrs)
And the beat goes on...
My left foot cramped on me, so much that it took 5+ minutes of painful walking to get rid of it. Another thing was my blood sugars, which registered at 2.9 mmol. WTF is going on?? oh right... the beat...
