Well Now

Indeed. Well, now. Not exactly "well", but alive. Still clean. I bought my pack of smokes and enjoyed smoking again. Oh well... well, now...

 I got my sorry ass to a meeting tonight. A meeting I haven't been to in like, forever. I saw a few folks I knew, and knew well. Many that I didn't know, and one who I haven't seen since, like, forever. Amazing.

 I opened my mouth and talked about the shit I've been going thru. I had a couple of my friends come to me after and told me about this, that and something else. They shared their own life experiences similar to mine and...

 I found some hope. Not much, but enough to get me thru 'til tomorrow. And there is always a meeting tomorrow. With everything going on in my life today, I realized that if I don't take care of ME, take care of my Recovery, I won't be of much use to anyone, let alone moi.

 Ah, the power of an NA meeting! The strength of having fellow addicts to talk with! Recovery. It can work, if I let it!

Keep The Faith*



Jesus H mofo kee-rist! To sit for 10 fucking hours with barely a sentence or two between us, I decide to go to bed. Half a fucking hour later, when I am just hitting REM, the bedroom door opens, the fucking light comes on and I get asked the question "Are you not coming back?"

Scared the fuck outa me, pissed me off, and now... And Now, I can't go back to fucking sleep. And the questions! Like:
"Who were you talking to yesterday?" - - I wasn't even here yesterday. wtf??
"What did you mean when you said, 'It's all screwed'?" - - What? Like, what??!!

And I lose it. In no uncertain terms, and (amazingly), without raising my voice, I said I'd just gotten to sleep, you come barging into my room to ask questions about gods know what... and all I wanna do is go back to fucking sleep and you can ask me all the questions you want tomorrow. Turn off the light  and close the door.

Five minutes later... that is FIVE FUCKING MINUTES later... the door opens, again, and the light comes on, Again, and he says, "I just wanted to..." 
And I lose it.

"Shut the fucking door and PLEASE let me get back to sleep!!"

And the rest is history. My brain has decided to start running at FTL, warp factor 7.
I. Was. Asleep.
I. Was. Comfortable.
Now, I'm fried awake. I'm irritable.
And, I want a cigarette. I'm buying a pack tomorrow because I want a drink more than I want a smoke.

I'm really not cut out for this bullshit. I want to help, to be of help... but all this is making me insane and utterly trashing my recovery. 

And this fucking Blogger continues to fuck up on my on my iPad. I dunno. Maybe I'll suck on a couple more mg of melatonin, change my sleep sounds and waves, and, well, I just don't fucking know...

Keep The Faith*


A New Year

and I'm already tired of it all. Silly me, tho', because my tiredness is from stuff carried over from 2016. Things that were unfinished, stuff that still needed to be done, junk as yet unresolved. I'm working on it, but good golly gosh, sometimes it seems over-whelming.

I volunteered to get my local NA website transferred to a new host, with all the bells and whistles in perfect working order. Nearly six weeks later, after an amazing amount of road blocks, learning curves and just plain old frustration, it appears to be done. I'm still being informed of hiccups, but nothing that might induce projectile vomiting.

 There's my own personal website. I'm working on the biggest re-do of it in the 16+ years of its existence. Much is unchanged, a few added or deleted words here & there, new photos added and old ones removed. The biggest aspect is the over-all look & feel of the thing. I love how it looks... don't know how it feels since I'm kinda numb right now. The tiring thing is transferring info from one spot to another in creating each page. I am getting there, just need to step back for a while.

And then there is that amazing thing called Life! With the above in the mix, life is just blindsiding me left and left. I hope it doesn't decide to toss in a right! From my dad (don't ask!), to the dingo who lives above me, from winter & cold (at least the days are getting longer - oh so slowly!) to, well, sometimes I think I'd like to go fishing. Or bug out on a stealth camp. Or just go on vacay.

Ah well, Life is still gooder than I have seen at times in my past. I'm still alive, even tho' those years still keep zipping by! I'm still Clean (not sober!), even tho' there have been thoughts of ending that aspect of life. Not worth it, as my Fellowship teaches me almost daily. No, all in all, Life is Good!

And there's my rant de jour. Always and forever, it is good to get it out onto paper, or jumblated pixels, as the case may be.

Keep The Faith*