This Is New!

Sort of. Not really new, but absent for quite some time. That recurring thing of mine, the Pain. But, now it is affecting me thru cramping. In both my lower legs and feet. I haven't had cramping since... I can't remember. 6 or 7 months, at least

Bugger of it all is that I am just so fucking tired right now. I had a long service stint today. I was up very late last night due to - u guessed it!! - neuropathy pain AND that hamster wheel mind of mine. I mean, Dang!

Tired. In bed and comfortable. Ready to... and my leg starts to twitch. Then the other one. Then both feet. And then... And Then... Boom! I get a massive cramp in my right leg that rocketed me out of bed and down to my knees because I couldn't stand up. FAHK!!!

I finally got to walk it off, took two 400 mg ibuprofen (double my usual dose for this shit) and now I sit typing away, aware of the tingle in both my ankles. That means my issue has not gone and if I go back to bed right now, well, not a good idea.

I wish there was some indicator of when this sort of thing is going to occur. Something like high blood sugar (or low), too much "exercise" (read: walking), too little exercise, etc etc etc. I had major issues most of the day today with my low BP, dizziness and feeling light-headed, especially after standing up from a bend. But, I have recorded everything I could think of during the days when this has happened and discovered no common factors anywhere.

I was talking to someone today who knows my pain issues and it was "suggested" that I maybe kinda sorta look into some type of marijuana derivative to help with this. With the endless talk of CBD medication on an FB page for sufferers of peripheral neuropathy, leaving out the blah blah about opiods and opiates and fentanyl and fucking drugs drugs drugs, well, I'm pissed at taking ibuprofen, so...

Yadda. Well, my legs and feet are no longer a-tingle. I don't know if that's because I'm sitting and some blood flow is getting to those lower extremities or simply because I'm distracted by thinking and typing. Ah dunno. Ah jus dunno. To bed. To sleep. Perchance to.......

Keep The Faith*
Update (03:10 hrs)

And the beat goes on...
My left foot cramped on me, so much that it took 5+ minutes of painful walking to get rid of it. Another thing was my blood sugars, which registered at 2.9 mmol. WTF is going on?? oh right... the beat...


And WOW Again!

I can't sleep, and for once, I really don't care. My brain is ripping thru the myriad of thoughts and ideas and whatevers that it simply Loves to do at this time of night... morning... yeah, you know...

The reason this time is because of what happened earlier tonight, yesterday, well, yeah, you know. I went to my Home Group meeting. It was a celebration for one member. As I was doing my service as greeter, this member asked me if I would be the speaker.

--- For those who don't know, a speaker shares their experience... well, geez, if you don't know, go to my website and look for the Recovery section, k? ---

Anyways, I was rather floored by the request. One, because I barely knew the guy. And two, I hadn't shared my story in a very VERY long time. But, being self-centered and egotistical (plus I love hearing my own voice!), I said yes.

I shared about my recovery, the ups and the downs. As I prattled on, I began to feel something I hadn't felt for quite some time. Passion. Love. Desire. All about recovery. MY recovery. And I wanted to let everyone at that meeting feel it, too! If not just for them to know my own feeling, but to get them to feel the same.

If I succeeded, I don't know. I received the standard Thanks from many people. Most of them actually, truly, meant it. I could see it in their eyes, hear it in their voices. So, I suppose I had some kind of success. There was only one person at that meeting who knew me and my recovery from all the way back to the late eighties, so most folk were, "I never knew that about you."

Such as such, that meeting was very therapeutic for me (I actually said at the end of my spiel that it was "cathartic", but had to qualify that by saying I had no idea wtf cathartic meant. It just seemed to fit! I was told later that therapeutic would've worked, also... 😊, shoulda known, eh!) The WOW Again part actually came after the meeting.

I went out into the parking lot to chat with other members before heading off to catch my bus home. I spoke with one fellow for a while about his recovery, his fears and worries, and he listened to my suggestions. Did it help? Je ne sais pas. I do know that he gave me a sincere smile when he left, so... Then, I went to someone else. There were others around and we all bandied words back & forth. A laugh, a joke, and another laugh.

Finally, there was just two of us. This member was new to Ottawa, but not to our Fellowship. We talked a lot of recovery... about what we have seen, the wonders of being clean, the horrors that addiction can do to even the best of us... we talked! 

It finally came time to say good-bye. That was a bit drawn out, like we were both caught up in the same feeling / connection and really didn't want it to end. He asked if I wanted a ride. I refused, knowing that my bus home was just 2 blocks away and besides..... I looked at my watch and it was ten to midnight! We had jabbered on for TWO hours! I still said that I was OK and I knew my bus ran until just after one in the morning.

Didja read my entry called "WOW"? This was almost the same thing. The only difference was the first was with someone I've known for many years and the other was with someone I literally met two weeks ago. But, wow! Time flies when you're having fun. Plus, I enjoyed both of those convos. For the chance to talk AND for the connection! Wow...

Not only that, when I got home (around 1:00 a.m.), there was a message for me on my phone. A friend had called to tell me that he was feeling ill and wouldn't be at the meeting. He also said that he would like to have me on his "ball team" and was calling to ask if I was interested. I've never cottoned on to the "ball team" aspect in my own recovery, but, well, I had a heckuva time just trying to remember who the frell this person was!

I kinda sorta recognized the voice, but with him being sick and me having never ever spoken to him on the phone before, well, it took me a while. I did finally plunk it down to one person and once again, Wow! I never expected that! To be called to say that he wasn't going to be at the meeting (Me! He called ME!!) AND to be asked to... well, lemme say, to be a part of his recovery was... WOW! I still have to get back to him, but, Hell Yeah!! (btw, I've known him for a long time, also!!) Wow...

So. Why can't I sleep? Because my poor, little brain was, IS! having a tough time processing all that has gone down in the past nine hours or so. TMI. TMI ! ! Still, at least for this one time, I don't give a frell why I can't get to sleep. It's all good, man! It's All Good!!

Keep The Faith*



I spent some time with a long time friend today. Someone I haven't seen in "real life" for more than 4 years now. You see that title up there? WOW!

That is the most accurate response I can give to that visit! It was at a Tim Hortons shop where we met so I could give her a present that she most obviously appreciated... thanks to Facebook.

The actual WOW to me was how long we spent together outside Timmys, talking about this, that, AND the inevitable other thing! We shared our personal ups & downs in life, both present & past. We chatted about our current life situations. We talked about absolutely nothing.

My WOW was made most poignant was when she gave me a ride home. Well, no, it was when I got in my apartment and I looked at my clock. I realized that our "visit" was over well over two hours long! From a possible 1 hour chat, over 2 hours went by!

Wow. Some of you might wonder... wtf?? But hey, I am a dyed in the wool isolationist. To go to a (honest!!) friends place for dinner & convo, or to meet with someone to deliver up a gift, that really is not who I am. But... wow... BUT...

Sometimes, I am amazed at what a simple act of "Why Not?" turns into an OMG moment. I got meself an OMG moment today. No matter what, there is someone who knows me. Someone who has gone thru (is going thru!) what I have.

I am still, even after all my time in this life, amazed at what I can learn from others about my place in the world today. Thank you  "S", for giving me a smile, a laugh, and a much needed comfort that I am still "a part of"!

Keep the Faith*


The Pain

Ah yes, the pain. I suppose a good way to look at it is I am up at 07:00 hrs, instead of sleeping in 'til 10:00 or so. 

And what am I talking about? The Pain. The pain of peripheral neuropathy (see 2017/07/14). I got smacked once more with these fucking foot and shin pains overnight. Sharp, burning pain. Fortunately (??!!), only in my left leg this time around. Still, it was enough to force my sorry ass out of bed 4 times this morning, starting around 02:00 hrs.

And now. I gave up. I figure "Why bother?" If I go back to bed, I'm up again at 08:00 to take my insulin and for damn sure, I'd be up again sometime after that, screaming & cursing. Might as well stay up now.

I had joined a Facebook group called "Neuropathy: The Silent Warriors" because I felt a kinship with others out there who were going thru the same thing as this old soul. Unfortunately (!!??), I am just not bad enough for that group. Everyone who posted there had (more or less) neuropathy pain that was (more or less) constant. And pretty well all over the body, but focused a lot on the feet and legs.

There was much discussion on this treatment and that, this drug and the other drug. Then, I started to get PMs from folk asking why I was there, since my pains are not constant, occur once in a while and only in my lower shins & feet, have my bouts mainly at night, and I do nothing more than get out to "walk it off". Besides, there was far too much talk about narcotic pain killers like fentanyl for my taste & sanity. So, I left the group.

I initially felt a part of this group, trying to throw my experience into the mix. But, I just wasn't up to snuff, I guess. I left. And less than a week later, I'm facing the very reason I joined that thing. The Pain. But, I suppose I will become a Silent Warrior once more, separate, apart from.

Meh. Been there. Done that. Sold the T-shirt to buy cigarettes. Besides, this isn't anything new. I've gone thru this shit before and will do it again in the near future. I have learned to live with it, so to speak. I'd be fucked if I had to go to a job after a night like last. Non-functional, hm? Oh well, it's Saturday. The weekend is here. yay.

Keep The Faith*



The name says, what? Unknown. That's it. Just like my feeble attempts at vlogging, doing a blog is an unknown. What to write, what to say... it is all unknown.

The same goes with my website, robbsplace.net. I am currently in version 9 of that site and it has barely changed in the 20 odd years I've had it. Family, Recovery, Fishing... and, of course, this blog. But, what have I really done with it all? Basically, nothing. Changed colors & designs, added a picture here & there, put in a few new words & deleted some others. That's it.

Why? Unknown. I really have nothing to say about anything. My Facebook page gets more attention than anything, and that is just regurgitated crap from other people. My YouTube channel is the same, altho' most of the videos are my own. The best I ever did on YouTube was a review of a product that garnered me almost 30,000 views and a whack of followers. Whoop-dee-do.

Tonight, as I lay in bed wondering if sleep would ever arrive, I decided to come here and blog about nothing. About the unknown. And good golly gosh, I did it! I've said absolutely nothing about nothing and the unknown! Am I good or what??!! >>shrug<< unknown...

Keep The Faith*