A Gift

I chaired my final meeting at my HG tonight for the month. I decided to volunteer as chair for October because I didn't want to, because it scared the crap out of me to even think of doing so. So, I did. And made it thru...

I also decided to volunteer for the position of treasurer for the group at tonight's GC meeting. Well, no, I had the decision finalized for me by being nominated. Again, fear (and my gawd-awful tremors!) kept telling me NOT to do it. So, I did. And got group support for it...

A Gift? At my HG, we have a thing where members put their names into a basket if they would like to share. As the meeting went on, folks came to scribble their name down. A hand came over my shoulder as I sat there and put this piece of paper in front of me:

My Gift. Recovery has given me the Gift of Life, the Love of my Family and the respect & gratitude (among many other things) from those who choose to live Recovery along with me. That is A Gift.

Keep The Faith*



A very, very strange day today. Well, yesterday, but, whatever. To say confusion is a bit of an understatement when I think back on it. And thinking back is the precise reason I sit here on my computer 01:40 in the morning, because my mind refuses to stop thinking back.

Blah. My brain was pure mush most of the day. My blood sugars were running rampant, up and down. I wasn't too sure what day or date it was. I wasn't even sure if I was actually awake, or in a dream.

That is the main thing about my confusion, I think. I had a dream and it was strange. I can't remember if the dream occurred the night before or during a two hour nap I took in the afternoon. Confusion.

The dream. I had gone to a store that was closing down, something like a WalMart or a Target store (perhaps influenced by the upcoming closure of Sears Canada), but the store itself was very small. I looked around a bit, saw nothing of interest and left because I had to get home.

I went out into the parking lot. Rounding a big moving truck, I saw that my own ride was missing. A small pick-up truck, like a Ford Ranger, that wasn't even mine. I looked around, and again, and didn't see it anywhere. I was upset, but not as bad as I would have thought.

It was a nice day and I figured I'd be OK. I had to get back home, didn't know how I was going to do that, but really didn't care. I was in some city in eastern NY, thus a long way from home. And then, I realized that this was only a dream. All I needed to do was wake up!

But, I didn't know how. I also realized that for a dream, this one was pretty fucking vivid.  Looking down at my shoes (scuffed white sneakers with the laces permanently knotted, as I like them), I could see the dirt and cracks in the pavement. All around me, everything stood out in glorious detail. The leaves on the tree beside me were a beautiful green. The signs on the strip mall were all very detailed, with mostly understandable words, familiar and then again, not. I stood and watched (and heard!) the cars as they drove by. The sky was a brilliant blue with absolutely no clouds.

"What do I do??", I thought. I knew this was a dream, but the clarity and realism of it all was very odd. Just wake up, came the next thought. But I didn't know how. Plus,the substance, the exactness of everything around me was quite comforting and I really didn't want to end this dream. Which made me think, "What if this isn't a dream?!" and I began to worry a bit.

How will I get home? What will I tell the person who owned the truck? -- I have no idea who the owner was -- What about my diabetes? Food? Money? I'm in a different country, for fuck's sake! So, I decided to head towards the downtown. Well, at least, I thought that was the way. Didn't care. I started walking up the street that had a slight incline to it.

Suddenly, the entire quality of the dream shifted. I was still on the street, walking uphill, but I was suddenly pulling a small cart that had oddball strips of sod on it. The clarity and details shifted to where nothing around me truly registered. It seemed a bit darker. My focus was pulling this cart up the street and not having it lose the load of sod.

Naturally, the cart went off the sidewalk and the sod fell off. As I was trying to get it neatly stacked back onto the cart a couple of guys came along to offer helpful suggestions. They didn't physically help, which was the one thing I really needed.

After a couple of minutes of "Try this..." and "Try that...", I stood up and looked at these fellows. I said, "This is stupid!!", and woke up.

Again, I don't remember when this dream occurred, at night or in the afternoon. All I know, my day was filled with uncertainties, confusion and not actually knowing if I was in a dream or fully awake. I've never experienced a day like that before. I've had a couple of (not very many!) dreams with similar precision and  with the knowledge that that they actually were dreams. 

But, today rattled me. Am I going off the proverbial deep end? Nuts? Goo-goo? Gah-gah? Bonkers? I do not know. What I DO know is that I want to go to sleep! And by gosh, I Do Not Want To DREAM!!

Keep The Faith*