DOUBLE-ARGH!!

Yeah, like, argh.

It is 0330 hrs. I cannot go to sleep because my dimwit, idiotic brain wants to dwell on the bullshit I just went thru about 6 hours ago.

The same sorta crap I wrote about a little over 1 week ago. No, not the same, but my reaction drives me to insomnia because I can't do anything about anything. I can't say anything about anything because if I do I am told that I am twisting words.

I try to do this, I attempt to do that and it's BS. Then, I'm told that what I do is good, then it's people coming by and wtf is he doing on that tablet all the time... but he seems to not care that I am on that tablet all the time.

What Fucking People? Rarely does anyone visit, and if someone does drop by, I make sure to not tap away on ... well, yeah.

I have told him time and time and time again that no matter what I do or say and, it feels like, think, I am wrong and he is right. And time after time after time, I am told to "make allowances". All for him...

Lemme tell ya, HIM means my dad. He is caught in dementia. I have been staying with him for 4 days outa the week at his house for the past, what? 18 months? 2 years? I try my best to do what is right, what may help, what...

And I have forgotten about me. And I think that if I think about ME, then I am being self-fucking-centered because I am ignoring him. My dad. But... BUT, I am now, Right Fucking Now, just that much closer to saying fuck it and buying that whatever to just forget life in its entirety. Permanently. Find that damned bus or truck or (never tried) fucking crack pipe and say "Goodbye, you ignorant life." 

Ain't that amazing? After doing all that I did in the week following my meltdown, I am now feeling more angry, confused, helpless, unworthy, self-centered and just plain old useless than I have ever felt in my days (decades) of recovery. Worse than my daze with both my wives.

My sanity is shot. And do not give me that bullshit about calling someone because the first one I did call asked, "Don't you have, like 20 some years of clean time?" So, fuck you NA. Get enough time under your belt and they think you got it made, all figgered out.

I went to a meeting every day after my crazy storm out last Monday from my dad's house. Bought my smokes instead of that whatever. Went to a fucking meeting everyday until I went back to his place on Saturday. And here I be, because I couldn't say what was true, because MY words were twisting HIS words, because, again, I feel like no matter what... I am wrong and he is right.

I tried to think that maybe it'd be easier to think I am mistaken. Be nice, Robb. STFU, Robb. But, but, but... oh yeah, and But.

Right. Argh. And now, I am going to smoke another cigarette and wish I had some dimenhydrinate, Gravol to you uninformed, and just shut down. Tomorrow... no, today... is gonna be a fuck to get thru because of a lack of sleep. I have a mess of cleaning to do, I've got a 42" TV to set up because my dad didn't want the fucking thing, a 42" monitor to dispose of........... and now I'll shut up. Because NOW I REALLY want to get high, drunk, wasted... c'mon, gimme a fucking adjective to use instead of using. bye...

Keep The fucking Faith*

Well Now

Indeed. Well, now. Not exactly "well", but alive. Still clean. I bought my pack of smokes and enjoyed smoking again. Oh well... well, now...

 I got my sorry ass to a meeting tonight. A meeting I haven't been to in like, forever. I saw a few folks I knew, and knew well. Many that I didn't know, and one who I haven't seen since, like, forever. Amazing.

 I opened my mouth and talked about the shit I've been going thru. I had a couple of my friends come to me after and told me about this, that and something else. They shared their own life experiences similar to mine and...

 I found some hope. Not much, but enough to get me thru 'til tomorrow. And there is always a meeting tomorrow. With everything going on in my life today, I realized that if I don't take care of ME, take care of my Recovery, I won't be of much use to anyone, let alone moi.

 Ah, the power of an NA meeting! The strength of having fellow addicts to talk with! Recovery. It can work, if I let it!

Keep The Faith*

ARGH!!

Jesus H mofo kee-rist! To sit for 10 fucking hours with barely a sentence or two between us, I decide to go to bed. Half a fucking hour later, when I am just hitting REM, the bedroom door opens, the fucking light comes on and I get asked the question "Are you not coming back?"

Scared the fuck outa me, pissed me off, and now... And Now, I can't go back to fucking sleep. And the questions! Like:
"Who were you talking to yesterday?" - - I wasn't even here yesterday. wtf??
"What did you mean when you said, 'It's all screwed'?" - - What? Like, what??!!

And I lose it. In no uncertain terms, and (amazingly), without raising my voice, I said I'd just gotten to sleep, you come barging into my room to ask questions about gods know what... and all I wanna do is go back to fucking sleep and you can ask me all the questions you want tomorrow. Turn off the light  and close the door.

Five minutes later... that is FIVE FUCKING MINUTES later... the door opens, again, and the light comes on, Again, and he says, "I just wanted to..." 
And I lose it.

"Shut the fucking door and PLEASE let me get back to sleep!!"

And the rest is history. My brain has decided to start running at FTL, warp factor 7.
I. Was. Asleep.
I. Was. Comfortable.
Now, I'm fried awake. I'm irritable.
And, I want a cigarette. I'm buying a pack tomorrow because I want a drink more than I want a smoke.

I'm really not cut out for this bullshit. I want to help, to be of help... but all this is making me insane and utterly trashing my recovery. 

And this fucking Blogger continues to fuck up on my on my iPad. I dunno. Maybe I'll suck on a couple more mg of melatonin, change my sleep sounds and waves, and, well, I just don't fucking know...

Keep The Faith*

A New Year

and I'm already tired of it all. Silly me, tho', because my tiredness is from stuff carried over from 2016. Things that were unfinished, stuff that still needed to be done, junk as yet unresolved. I'm working on it, but good golly gosh, sometimes it seems over-whelming.

I volunteered to get my local NA website transferred to a new host, with all the bells and whistles in perfect working order. Nearly six weeks later, after an amazing amount of road blocks, learning curves and just plain old frustration, it appears to be done. I'm still being informed of hiccups, but nothing that might induce projectile vomiting.

 There's my own personal website. I'm working on the biggest re-do of it in the 16+ years of its existence. Much is unchanged, a few added or deleted words here & there, new photos added and old ones removed. The biggest aspect is the over-all look & feel of the thing. I love how it looks... don't know how it feels since I'm kinda numb right now. The tiring thing is transferring info from one spot to another in creating each page. I am getting there, just need to step back for a while.

And then there is that amazing thing called Life! With the above in the mix, life is just blindsiding me left and left. I hope it doesn't decide to toss in a right! From my dad (don't ask!), to the dingo who lives above me, from winter & cold (at least the days are getting longer - oh so slowly!) to, well, sometimes I think I'd like to go fishing. Or bug out on a stealth camp. Or just go on vacay.

Ah well, Life is still gooder than I have seen at times in my past. I'm still alive, even tho' those years still keep zipping by! I'm still Clean (not sober!), even tho' there have been thoughts of ending that aspect of life. Not worth it, as my Fellowship teaches me almost daily. No, all in all, Life is Good!

And there's my rant de jour. Always and forever, it is good to get it out onto paper, or jumblated pixels, as the case may be.

Keep The Faith*

And So It Begins

Good old Glogger shows itself to be the same PoS it was when I dumped it years back. Bloogle... sorry, Google can't produce crap, so they buy a platform and simply turn it into crap.

I did a post with a video I found. Seems my cousin couldn't open it. I forgot to test it on my iPoop, so I opened the post  up. Nuthin'. The words were there, but no image or link to my video. WTF??!!

I s'pose I need to do some more research into blog engines and maybe stand-alone, self hosted platforms. Much as I'm tired of getting apps for this tablet of mine, I kinda would appreciate Google making one for this Blogger shit. Heck, they bug me everytime I open their search engine to d/l their SE app.

{{sigh}} Onward thru the fog, eh?

Keep The Faith*